The Sleep Between Snoozes

{I thought I saw you painting a house the other day. It’s ridiculous, I know, but I couldn’t look away.

The boys recalled a memory of you- but once it hit the air, it dissipated-  as memories always do.

We clung to this one, with a collective sigh and let it linger, strangely, none of us asking why.

Until someone turned up the music or shared a silly joke. We’re masters of distraction now, you know?  It is only on our silence that we choke.

I had a dream last night that you were here.  I ran into your arms and we fell over- laughing and crying.  I woke and ran downstairs. I dusted off and hung up your picture. There’s been a heaviness in the air -I think it’s time to reconsider…

I thought it would pass us over, as it has before, but things seem a little strange today and I find myself wanting to want you more.

You’ve been around here lately, haven’t you?  Returned from a battle with all the old players- demons and angels and monsters and men… You headed home leaving flames and dust behind you, hanging shield and sword beside you. You walked along a familiar path- tall grass and gentle rapids.  But you came home. You came here out of habit.

“Well don’t just stand there! Come inside. My mind’s made up – You’re staying for at least the night.

Come in and take a seat!  Close your eyes and breathe in deep. The table’s set. Dinner will be ready soon.

Take off your shoes and relax your gaze. There is only warmth and love in our space.

Be still our hearts while you tell your stories- of keeping us safe in other worlds and how there’s no need to worry. We’ll hang on every word with bated breath!  Oh! The kids will be so happy to forget your sudden death!  I can’t wait to tell them- ‘Boys! Look! Look who’s here!’

I’m sorry I’ve tried to carry on without you. You and I know there’s not another besides you.  Please come in and belong with us here. Please don’t leave again, I can’t live in that fear. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. I hung up your picture, see? Everything’s alright….”}

I wrote this down a day ago and when I woke up this morning, I knew, ya know?

I fell asleep in the shadowed crook of your arm and when I opened my eyes, you and everything that was, was gone. I lumbered downstairs and remembered once more.  I know how this works, I’ve been here before.  I brushed away the tears and tried to move on.  I thought you would stay with us here where you belong.  First there’s the anger and then the regret. I can’t live in this place, I’d rather forget.

There’s no such thing as justice when you come in and take another piece of me. I took a deep breath and begged for you to just release me.

 fight