One year ago today

I popped on facebook to check out “one year ago today”-something I rarely do. This was my post a year ago today¬†:

May 6, 2014 ¬∑ He said, “I love you so much, I want to marry you and after I die I want to come back and do it over again.”
And this is today’s response:
Some times it doesn’t feel real. But what does that even mean now? These days things like time and words like reality feel completely foreign to me. Explaining this to people who live with these things fastened to their wrists or on vision boards or in “small talk” conversations on sidewalks or over coffee …I don’t know how to relate to them, most days. I live in a different world. I remember the morning you said this to me. I remember your arm around my shoulder, my head against your neck-the pulse beneath your skin. We had just moved a week prior to this morning. It was sunny and warm and we were taking our time. I remember how the rough edge of your hand brushed my cheek when you moved my hair out of my eyes to tell me this. And I remember thinking what a complex person you were. You looked like you could tear a tree down with your bare hands but you loved in such a gentle, impossibly kind way. The roughness of your hand on my skin followed by the sweetest words and softest kiss. I remember my reality a year ago today and it was a lifetime of mornings like this with you. I recall it being so real and clear and impenetrable. I remember that a year ago today I promised you forever. But a month and a day later everything changed and fate tested our little vow. I can’t believe life will ever again be as clear and safe to me as it was a year ago today. I can’t hold up my end of our promise because I have to keep moving in this world- between clarity and fear —-and yet still somehow hope—-the hope that if you could you maybe just wait for me…we’ll have a chance to do it again.